my Sunshine

Sunshine filtering through my body. Every ounce of me absorbing this feel-good moment. Soaking up the rays that shines iridescently on my pale face. The brightness of the sun touches my pupils, a small smile curving across my face as I embrace the very essence and happiness that the sun gives me. Oh how I love my sunshine. The warmth makes all of my stresses temporarily cease. As if there is no care in the world. I close my eyes and let G permeate my very blood.

I feel so close to you right now. Every time I am in the sunshine filled clouds, I feel like we are one. My heart feels close to you. Like we are sharing something special—between just the two of us. It feels so wonderful to feel like you are so close to me.

I feel harmonious right now. As if all of my tears have been absorbed by your very presence. The sun to me is your way of coming out. You are my sunshine. So every time I feel the sun’s warmth, it’s as if I feel your arms wrapped around me. Cloaking me in your protective arms.

My mood is always uplifted whenever my eyes take in that wondrous twinkle of x-rays the sun gives off. My giant, beautiful star. I always feel safe when I have the sun looming over me. Depression evaporates with you shining over me. I hope you never leave.

Beautiful weeds

Crying. Dying inside. Happiness drained out of my body. Scared. Because everything is uncertain. Terrified. Disgusted. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but disgusting fat. Bloated. I just want to be beautiful for you. All I want is to be beautiful and happy. I don’t ever want you to see me like this.

the Drifting sea

Floating. Stagnant presence. My mind is a blur. I’m scared. Have I mentioned that before? I’m deathly afraid of failure. I’m scared of losing my friends, of getting a job, moving miles and miles away, and getting a clerkship.

Who do you think you are kidding? Words are gone. Everyone is fleeing. Empty souls walk the halls of the library. Scary. Silence is disturbing. You can’t help me now. Why not?! Why the hell not? My mind. My mind is so fried and distraught. My life is spinning and all I want to do is get off and puke. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Black vines

I’m cold. My body feels it everywhere. Someday, I hope there will be nothing but warmth. I know I am a dreamer. But there is nothing else that keeps me floating above water than the hope, however remote, of being ok. You were supposed to be my blanket. My soul mate. But I am too forgettable to you.

Pains in my chest, filling with the weight of uncertainty as each minute past the hour ticks by. I want to love you and feel loved back. I want to be taken care of and live the fairytale. I want the dream. My body is suffering because I am lost in a dessert with nothing but wind and sand to keep me company. Please don’t have misled me. Please don’t have fooled me. Please don’t crush me. Please don’t lie to me. I am but a delicate flower underneath all of this exterior shell. I crumble at the sight of you. I shatter at the smell of uncertainty and can sense when things are about to go sour.

Make this pain in my heart go away, please. My chest breathes deep, slow and painfully. My hands pressed up against my face, sulking into them, into their comfort—the only warmth I have right now.

Lonesome in a cold, cold dungeon. Lights flickering in the dark studio. Slabs of concrete walls and floors. There is a full moon illuminating the room—even behind the bars that keep me here. My body is rock solid, frigid from the cold. My mind is delirious and confused. Lights flickering. My only sign of hope and faith. The moon could be beautiful; but tonight, it reminds me only of how lonely and distraught I feel. Bright, there is no beauty behind the moon. Only misery.

When will the pain go away?

sweet Bitter sorrow

Sorrow fills my heart.
Winter’s chill sinks into my bones.
My mind left confused, and in turmoil. Melancholy washes over my hollow body—emotionless and distressed.
Suffering with a smile, the exhaustion underneath my public cloak is taking its toll.
My mind is lost.
My voice is speechless.
I allowed myself to delve into a fantasy--only to be greeted with death.
My stomach tightens at the thought of my own foolish ways and stupidity.
My inner voice curses my every mental move.
The pain of heartbreak. ..
The anguish of loneliness surging over me. I feel helpless.
Curling into a ball of confusion and drifting towards remorse or regret, as I try to wake myself up from this emotional nightmare.
High hopes lead only to fast falls and slow painful deaths.
Dreams begin to crumble and the world, once beautiful, begins to blur and fade into the distance.
My body and mind, robotic—only to function as necessary.
Tears beginning to surface behind my throat.
Anger floods over myself because this depression is but the product of my own doing.
Self-hatred resurfaces because I perpetually and continuously lie to myself.
My impatience and needs, or desires, inevitably have gotten the better of me.
It’s my own dumb fault and I must accept my own consequences.
Am I really that forgettable?
Apparently.
And only to the ones to whom it matters.
Sorrow, crushing all of my heart.
Fear, stealing all of my hope.
Depression, maiming all of my dreams.
Will I ever make it out ok?
Will I be happy some day?
Will it, for once, last?
I’m holding on, if only by a thread.
My feet will dangle until I can pull myself up…