because of you

This sad existence. This misery. 

I blame you for all of it. 

This wretched torture? 

The doings of your hands and yours alone. 

This lethargic lifeless being? Caused by your selfishness

and disregard for the human heart and soul. 

Your ratchet struck its blow exactly on point. 

Your indifference pries the wound open, 

leaving me to suffer a slow, bleeding death. 

Was this your desire?

Your cruel, heartless intentions--

I wish I had never met you. 

I wish so much that you were never a part of my life. 

Because then, this pain, this most unbearable pain

would never exist; this boiling hatred for one person

would not be stirring within. 

I bleed. . .if only to divert the pain elsewhere. . . 

How could you be so insensitive?

So reckless with another's life?

i resent

I resent that you weaken me; 

that you clog my brain; 

that you make me suffer. 

I resent that you make me falter, 

when I am at my weakest; 

that your existence prays on my happiness. 

I resent that you force myself into suppression, 

and that I cannot control my sorrows--

all of which are inflicted upon me by you. 

I hate you.
For all the pain you have caused me. 

Why did you leave? 

What did I do so wrong to deserve this pain?

Why was I so wrong for you?

What made you change your mind?

This heartache. . .did you beseech it upon me?

Why do I care so much?
I ask myself daily. 

Why you?

Why let you alone affect me so?

Do you do this intentionally?

Could you not have caused me any less pain? 

For mercy's sake. 

I often stare at a blank screen, leading myself astray 
into a known darkness, falsely hoping you will respond, and
 rescue by broken heart[; mend it back. 

But alas, I hide the truth from myself--that you will 
never again care as you once claimed before; 
that I will never be yours as I once was--
Once your pride and joy; your love. 

I wish so much that I didn't believe you. 

That I could have protected myself 
from such heartache and disappointment. 

vertigo

An insufferable existence, moments of vertigo keep me unbalanced, dizzy. I don’t know how to explain this pain in my chest.  All I know is that it is there--prominent, painful, uncomforting.  A constant reminder of something bad, I fear.  I fear it is the onset of death. I wish you were here. I wish you could take me into your arms, engulf me, wipe away my tears, hold me tight, put pressure against my body and relieve the weight and focus off my chest… 

desperately hoping. . .

I take deep breaths. I think of you.  I look forward to feeling the warmth of your body against mine.  I image your supple lips pressed against my forehead, your calloused hands, grazing the small of my back, welcoming me into your arms, embracing me and not wanting to let go anytime soon. I imagine your love for me is as deep as mine is for you and that we share this feeling of hope, that our lives will come together, some day, at some point, when it is all right, and when we are both ready. I image we both cherish every waking minute with each other—that I am forever engraved into your soul, heart and mind, as you are in mine.  I want to believe that my presence lightens your eyes and brings comfort to you.  I imagine you want to love me, even if you are afraid to do so.  I imagine when you look into my eyes, you are enamored with love, that when you come up from behind me and wrap your arms around my body, you can’t help but embrace every last ounce of me. I imagine that when I’m gone, you miss me—that every time I call you, ever time I seek you out, your heart flutters. You are so very independent right now.  As I am, myself. But you are more so.  Perhaps a day will come when this is not the case—when the pieces of the puzzle will fit perfectly. 

a nightmare come true

Can you comprehend the frustration of forced submission?

Do you know what its like to be gagged and bound by not only your perpetrator, but yourself as well?

Years of physical strength and mental preparation rendered useless. 

Your fear... aids your own victimization...

Do you know what its like to scream for help but no one can hear your silence? 

Where the words can’t escape your mouth, no matter how hard you try?

Have you ever felt the pain of your own torture?

Do you know what its like to have all control stripped from your being?

Do you have any idea what its like for you to be physically helpless? 

To succumb to the devil’s force, one that is stronger than you may ever escape? 

To endure physical paralysis…

Do you know what its like to be robbed of your faculties, perception and cognitive abilities? 

Stripped of every worldy human possession... to aid in the commission of someone else’s torture, unwillingly? 

Have you any idea at all? 

Do you know what its like to be haunted by your own acts? 

I trust you don't. I hope you never do. 

For it will drown your soul, it will burn a hole deep inside your chest, its presence forever existent and omnipresent. 

You will never escape the wrath of its hold on your life and the weight that comes with it. 

Such is life....and the pain it may inflict, most unwillingly, upon those most unsuspecting.

the pain of failure

I wish you were here to comfort me, to hold me.  I wish I could feel your protective arms wrapped around my fragile body--speaking silently--telling me that it will all be ok, that it will all work out, that we try as hard as we can--today and everyday--and just let destiny take its course.  I wish you were here to calm my mind, to give me peace, and bring harmony to my soul.

I want nothing more than for you to catch me when I fall.