Sunday, November 29, 2009

the death of your Infatuations


I lay here and think that it is very difficult to be in a one-sided relationship. There is nothing left to get giddy over. Your infatuation is apparently over and done with. How sad and disappointing. Yet, I am the one who looks like the fool when it is all said and done. Is it a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be, these rejection letters? I don’t know. But I’m inclined to mitigate any potential chance of heartbreak that may be in store for the future. It’s because I care so much, that I’m afraid of getting hurt.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

a Mental block

Maintaining a state of brainless activity, and empty thoughts.
I experience a vacant state of being, as nothing stirs in my mind.
A stagnant hollow mass. You’ve successfully drained al of my energy and emotion from my body. You left me with a deserted soul.
I suffer from my own blank stares and expressionless conversations.
Where did my mind escape to? Everything I’ve known or have come to know about myself is absent. I feel purposeless—aimless. I am unresponsive…slow…and stuck in a lifeless fixation of nothingness. I would thank you for this rather bare state of being you seem to have inflicted upon me—but that would only commend you for your dirty deeds, and right now, you deserve no such praise.
I am so empty that I cannot even express any feeling, remorse, or anger toward you right now. Even this, would usually infuriate and frustrate me, but I remain unaffected because my mind is completely and utterly blank—full of nothing.
I cannot feel. I cannot think. My mind is blocked, perhaps by my own fear of being hurt anymore, should reality begin to show its true self to me.
My world is sedentary. I feel as if I just lost the battle—one that I was never even aware of its presence, or even that it had begun.
And now, I am shocked by its outcome. Fazed….about what to do next. But nothing, I blink hoping to sprout thought. I want my mind to think, but it produces nothing.
All of my thoughts have been stolen—ripped out of my mind. Caged by whom? You or me? A selfish act or an act to protect?
I want to think. I resent that someone is keeping me from thinking. I need to think so that I can figure out what my life is about. I need to understand these emotions and feelings—and I cannot do so when you are blocking my mind from its access.
I need self assurance. But I cannot get it because my mind is not home. Absent—moved out. Where did my mind and heart go? Where is my critical thinking? Missing! Until I get my mind back, you force me into this lifeless, lethargic state. A curse you tacked on…making me weary, tired, fatigued.
I resent your control. It is subtle, but it is there. I need to figure you out. But it’s going to take a long time.

Friday, November 27, 2009

each day is a mile in the Marathon


Faith will find you. Don’t despair. Give it time.
Have the hope you desperately avoid.
Pain heals and shouldn’t scare you. Success is fueling your mind.
You will keep the motivation and attain all that you desire.
Because it is a product of self worth and motivation—and you have both.
Don’t worry or fret about these hard days.
Each day is a mile in the marathon.
And every frustrating chore and tale makes you stronger for the finish.
So, persevere with the greatness that is shining in your eyes, heart, and soul.

your Fire




Dazed and confused.
Restless. Emotionless.
My mind empty—like a hollow black hole.
Flashbacks of your face flicker in my mind—a painful past.
Strange thoughts and unwelcome fantasies permeate my brain—teasing my heart
And fueling false hope—the same false hope that you etched into my mind three months ago.
Elation escapes me.
My mind is frightened because reality has yet to enshrine me and I’m deathly afraid of its contents.
Do you always cloud the judgments of your prey?
This feeling of helplessness is knifing my soul.
I beg that you fix the fire you started.

the Storm


The quiet before the storm? Is there an end approaching to something that could have been so great? Am I so much of an idealist that I purposefully broke my own heart? What is it that I am feeling? Is it an unfounded, unrecognizable premonition? I feel it is, but a premonition of what? I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I know I still adore him. And I’m sure I could live a life with him. But there should be more than there is. They call him the Minch. But, then why am I so confused and uncertain about the future? Our future? I strangely think that I will not be seeking to live in Denver after all it is said and done—an utter disappointment. But, I suppose, this is life. Unpredictable.
Unsure of what to think these days. Will things continue? Do I want them to? I fee empty about it all. All emotion and energy has been drained out of me. I was hoping for a wonderful mesmerizing week. Instead, I leave confused, frustrated, empty and lost. I’m annoyed that I do not have the answers. I am very excitable and easily disappointed.
Who am I to talk though? I know nothing. I keep telling myself things to make me feel better. But, they are all sugar coated lies. I pray on my hands and knees that I am able to keep my sanity through all of this drama. I loathe not knowing where my life is going. I hate being in the dark with things. I desperately wish I was in a coma right now….so that I wouldn’t have to think. Please, I beg of you, give me answers.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Orchid


The world feels so much better with you in it. I don’t know what it is about you, but knowing you’re there and that you want me still, makes the world of a difference. I’m not sure why it’s you—why only you have this effect. When I’m away from you, I’m in pain. Not knowing you still care sends knifes in my back and causes tears to flood my heart.
The sun finally shines. Thoughts of your beautiful eyes permeating mine. Your hands skimming my body. The sunshine’s fluid light pours over us and engulfs me in its blissful atmosphere. The sun finally shines when I see your smile. When I make you laugh, when I cook you crepes and let you sleep on my chest. My sun shines when you bathe me and lather my body with soap. A life without sunshine is a miserable one. I smile whenever I think of you. My heart flutters at the sight of you. I feel very passionate about you. I want you to bond yourself to me like you say you do.