dreaming of white doves

I see this beautiful white gown and I remember a happiness...an indescribable happiness.  It pains me to think that it was all a figment of my imagination.  Could there ever be such a day...such a day of pureness? I imagine white doves and white roses.  I imagine heartfelt laughter and tears of joy.  I imagine a life full of happiness and understanding--of compassion and sincerity.  I imagine for once I don't have to pretend or fake my way through.  I imagine looking beautiful and radiant.  I imagine staring into your eyes, waiting for you at the alter.  I imagine pure bliss.  I imagine a certain warmth..so deep only the sun and God have touched it before.  The genuineness of my smile, the resounding thrill of my beating heart.  I'll hold on to those beautiful white pictures...of flowing silk and chiffon....so that one day I can envision myself standing by your side...when the time is right.  For now, I imagine everything will be perfect on that wonderful sunny day and from there on forward.  I feel it deep within.  I don't know who you are yet.  But I have faith that one day I will find you.  I have faith that one day, my dreams will come true.

Forgiven Bliss

I forgive you.  My heart still hurts--I wonder that the pain will never go away.  The sadness lulling in my throat...I imagine a part of it will always remain.  But this sorrow will pass.  I won't blame you.  I'm lost without you, yet your deception also set me free.  You tortured my heart and crushed my dreams.  But I forgive you.  I will move on and bury these feelings of regret.  I do not regret having met you--only that I could have been so believing and put my life into your trusting hands.  I was the foolish one.  To each their own.  But I will forgive you. That is my resolution.  Curse my future decisions should I fall into such another trap. This depression, at times, is overwhelming.  Its presence because of you.  But I will not hold it against you.  I will not lash out.  I've made such a fool of myself in my childish attempts to win your heart and to be noticed.  But that is the lesson I have put upon myself, and the only one to blame is me.

I forgive you for your lies--for your beautiful smiles and your loving touch.  I forgive you for the comfort you gave me when you were near and the emptiness you bestowed upon me while so many nights away.  I forgive you for always leaving me wondering and for ignoring my existence.  I forgive you for all of those promises you never kept and the dreams you filled in my head.  I forgive you for being so wonderful in my eyes--even if it was because of my own deceptions. I forgive you for hurting me this much.  I forgive you for leaving me and for making me suffer.  I forgive you for this loneliness that makes me weep every night.  I forgive you for taking away every ounce of happiness and hope in my body.  I forgive you for your selfishness and your ignorance towards love.  I forgive you for being you.  But most of all--I forgive myself for believing you.

stolen

You stole my breath and then my heart

you won me over from the very start. 

I fell so hard, I fell so quick. 

You were quite clever with those little tricks. 

But I got fooled, my lesson learned. 

Now you're off and gone, and I'm left burned. 

Your love I lost. Replaced with pain. 

Remorse fills me up like flooding rain. 

You won me over, then ripped me apart.

I should have seen your lies from the very start. 

There is no one left to blame but my sweet sorrowful self. 

I pray I'll heal, I beg on my knees I'll mend this body broken. 

But until then, you carry my heart and I cry endlessly at the very thought. 

Because I lost you..I'm barely surviving.  But this is the life I've been dealt. 

Goodbye spell

I will let you go knowing you'll never come back, but I will be strong.  

I'll hold my head high and will stay on track.  

My thoughts of you will forever be bittersweet. 

The painful yet beautiful memories of our time together - permanently etched into my mind.  

I will wish you well and wipe away my tears.  

I will let you go -- and I will move on.  

It hurts knowing you'll never look back.  

But I can only embrace this heartache you have caused.  

It will, I pray, make me stronger, more independent and less reliant on men like you.  

It will teach me to love myself when you so clearly can't.  

I am not happy that you are leaving me, that you insist on moving on without me.  

I resent that you are so deceptive, and that I fell under your spell.  

But I am thankful that you coached me...if only to prepare me for the future. 

I will let you go -- because I have no other choice.  

I will watch you close that door and I will weep uncontrollably.  

But by tomorrow, I pray I will smile...with this heavy weight lifted off my chest...

....and I will once again breathe.  

So please, let me let you go.

heart*burn

my heart bleeds...
my eyes swell with tears,
droplets trickling down my face,
puddles of water marking this parchment paper.
eardrums drowning in the blaring music--
to drown out the depressed thoughts that scour my brain.
choking on my own breath as i try to calm my distraught emotions.
to no avail; i really fell for you.
but you left me behind...
disappearing in the dust you made as you drove off
to live your own life.
was i really so wrong for you?