Hazel

Hazel butterflies, the color of your brown blue eyes, floating inside my stomach.
My face lights up with joy and excitement.
Something shiny and new.  You are the breath of fresh air that I have been waiting for.
How is it possible that you stumbled into my life?
How is it possible that you could be so wonderful?
So understanding and caring?
How is it that you are truly this genuine?
I don't know what is to become of this new thrill.
It is something that I have never come across.
It is not infatuation like it has been with all the others.
I feel grounded.  I feel secure.  I feel like, for once, I can trust my true feelings.
Could you be the ray of sunshine that I have always truly longed?
I dare speak so soon.

a willing drug

I cannot let you go.  I just cannot.  I keep telling myself that I need to.
I keep telling myself to move on.  But it is as if everything pushes me against the current.
I still dream of you.  You are still in my thoughts and in my heart.
I still tell myself that I love you.  I still envision whatever it was we had.
I hold on to those memories as if they are the last I might ever have.
I relive them night after night... and it pains me.
It hurts so much to have to accept that they are just that... memories.
I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me.
I want to make you see me now and I want you to be jealous.
I want you to immediately want me.
To immediately desire to have me... as if I am the only thing that matters.
I want you to take me as yours.
I want you to look at me and tell yourself that you should have never let me go.
I want you to hold me and comfort me.  I want you to be a part of my life.
I was willing to give up m.a.a. for you.
And I did.  I truly, really did.
I was willing to overlook all of the faults and the annoyances and the unknowns and the unpredictable behavioralism and lack of decision making.
I was willing to overlook it all.
Because I truly believed you loved me.
And I still love you.
I love you now more than anything.
I thought the chemistry was perfect.
 The balance.  The commonalities. The give and take.  The understanding.
It was all there.  All you had to do was ask... and you didn't do it.
And you couldn't.  And then you just let me go, as if I was nobody.
And yet here I am, still finding myself deeply drawn to you.
As if with you, my soul goes wherever you do, whether you realize it or not.
I'd like to ask for my heart back, but then that would mean I lose you.
And I can't do it yet.  I just can't.
Please forgive me for being so weak.
I've cried a thousand tears over you, and for you.
My life is streaming with rivers of salty tears ever since I met you.
Yet I cannot let you go.
You truly are like my own form of heroin.
My own personal drug.
And the withdrawals are more than unbearable.

because of you

This sad existence. This misery. 

I blame you for all of it. 

This wretched torture? 

The doings of your hands and yours alone. 

This lethargic lifeless being? Caused by your selfishness

and disregard for the human heart and soul. 

Your ratchet struck its blow exactly on point. 

Your indifference pries the wound open, 

leaving me to suffer a slow, bleeding death. 

Was this your desire?

Your cruel, heartless intentions--

I wish I had never met you. 

I wish so much that you were never a part of my life. 

Because then, this pain, this most unbearable pain

would never exist; this boiling hatred for one person

would not be stirring within. 

I bleed. . .if only to divert the pain elsewhere. . . 

How could you be so insensitive?

So reckless with another's life?

i resent

I resent that you weaken me; 

that you clog my brain; 

that you make me suffer. 

I resent that you make me falter, 

when I am at my weakest; 

that your existence prays on my happiness. 

I resent that you force myself into suppression, 

and that I cannot control my sorrows--

all of which are inflicted upon me by you. 

I hate you.
For all the pain you have caused me. 

Why did you leave? 

What did I do so wrong to deserve this pain?

Why was I so wrong for you?

What made you change your mind?

This heartache. . .did you beseech it upon me?

Why do I care so much?
I ask myself daily. 

Why you?

Why let you alone affect me so?

Do you do this intentionally?

Could you not have caused me any less pain? 

For mercy's sake. 

I often stare at a blank screen, leading myself astray 
into a known darkness, falsely hoping you will respond, and
 rescue by broken heart[; mend it back. 

But alas, I hide the truth from myself--that you will 
never again care as you once claimed before; 
that I will never be yours as I once was--
Once your pride and joy; your love. 

I wish so much that I didn't believe you. 

That I could have protected myself 
from such heartache and disappointment. 

vertigo

An insufferable existence, moments of vertigo keep me unbalanced, dizzy. I don’t know how to explain this pain in my chest.  All I know is that it is there--prominent, painful, uncomforting.  A constant reminder of something bad, I fear.  I fear it is the onset of death. I wish you were here. I wish you could take me into your arms, engulf me, wipe away my tears, hold me tight, put pressure against my body and relieve the weight and focus off my chest… 

desperately hoping. . .

I take deep breaths. I think of you.  I look forward to feeling the warmth of your body against mine.  I image your supple lips pressed against my forehead, your calloused hands, grazing the small of my back, welcoming me into your arms, embracing me and not wanting to let go anytime soon. I imagine your love for me is as deep as mine is for you and that we share this feeling of hope, that our lives will come together, some day, at some point, when it is all right, and when we are both ready. I image we both cherish every waking minute with each other—that I am forever engraved into your soul, heart and mind, as you are in mine.  I want to believe that my presence lightens your eyes and brings comfort to you.  I imagine you want to love me, even if you are afraid to do so.  I imagine when you look into my eyes, you are enamored with love, that when you come up from behind me and wrap your arms around my body, you can’t help but embrace every last ounce of me. I imagine that when I’m gone, you miss me—that every time I call you, ever time I seek you out, your heart flutters. You are so very independent right now.  As I am, myself. But you are more so.  Perhaps a day will come when this is not the case—when the pieces of the puzzle will fit perfectly. 

a nightmare come true

Can you comprehend the frustration of forced submission?

Do you know what its like to be gagged and bound by not only your perpetrator, but yourself as well?

Years of physical strength and mental preparation rendered useless. 

Your fear... aids your own victimization...

Do you know what its like to scream for help but no one can hear your silence? 

Where the words can’t escape your mouth, no matter how hard you try?

Have you ever felt the pain of your own torture?

Do you know what its like to have all control stripped from your being?

Do you have any idea what its like for you to be physically helpless? 

To succumb to the devil’s force, one that is stronger than you may ever escape? 

To endure physical paralysis…

Do you know what its like to be robbed of your faculties, perception and cognitive abilities? 

Stripped of every worldy human possession... to aid in the commission of someone else’s torture, unwillingly? 

Have you any idea at all? 

Do you know what its like to be haunted by your own acts? 

I trust you don't. I hope you never do. 

For it will drown your soul, it will burn a hole deep inside your chest, its presence forever existent and omnipresent. 

You will never escape the wrath of its hold on your life and the weight that comes with it. 

Such is life....and the pain it may inflict, most unwillingly, upon those most unsuspecting.

the pain of failure

I wish you were here to comfort me, to hold me.  I wish I could feel your protective arms wrapped around my fragile body--speaking silently--telling me that it will all be ok, that it will all work out, that we try as hard as we can--today and everyday--and just let destiny take its course.  I wish you were here to calm my mind, to give me peace, and bring harmony to my soul.

I want nothing more than for you to catch me when I fall.

missing you again.

The thought of being with you is enough to make my world spin.
You belong in my life and I can no longer let you deny that I belong in yours.
I miss your sweet lips, brushing against my temples.
Your body pulling me closer into your masculine embrace.
Your protective arms always allowing me to release and let go of all my fears and frustrations.
I miss the pulsating beat of your heart underneath my hand.
I miss the entanglement of our legs.
The silk of my skin cloaking your body... claiming you.
I miss the sweet silence of our co-existence, peacefully sleeping with one another.
I miss waking up to your beautiful angelic face.
Your tousled hair... and that gorgeous sleep induced presence.
I miss secretly kissing you before I leave.
There is nothing more to it -- I just miss you.

can you hear me?

This miserable existence.
Does it have to penetrate my heart so deep?
This perpetual emptiness.
Will there ever be an end to this crushing heartache?
The weight of a million boulders constantly compressed on my chest.
This mental anguish incessantly wondering if the weight will ever be lifted.
Perhaps someday.
Until then, I suffer knowing my cries are left unanswered.

you are my lullaby

i miss you m.a.a.
i wish you were here.
i miss sleeping on your chest,
feeling your soft skin,
inhaling your sweet smell.
i miss your calloused hands enveloping me.
the rise and fall of your chest...
the lullaby of you sleeping...

ocean Breeze

Clear blue skies, oceanic waves, crystalized sand.  

The heavenly eastern breeze washing over your golden skin.  

The melodic whisper of waves crashing over the shoreline.  

The bliss of a light sun--illuminating just enough without scorching your body. 

the Bellows of confusion

So f-ing confused.  Where are the answers? Don't you ever hear me begging on my knees, surrounded by a pool of tears?? Why can't you hear me cry for help?  Wy do you torture me like this? Why? Why?

What did I do to deserve this? Why are you punishing me? Why do you make me so sick? Why?  Won't you ever be there for me?  I'm so lost; so lonely; so confused.  My body and soul is empty.  I can't take it anymore.  I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm still wearing blindfolds and it's pitch black. Please, I beg of you-show me mercy.  Give me peace of mind. Lead me, guide me.  Show me the way.  Teach me and I will follow.  I can't do it by myself.  I'm just not that strong.  I just keep faltering.  I need you.  Please.  Please, G.  I beg of you.  Hear me, listen to my prayers.  I need answers.  And only you can provide them.  Please, please don't leave me here to suffer by myself any longer.  I'm not sure how much more I can take. 

dreaming of white doves

I see this beautiful white gown and I remember a happiness...an indescribable happiness.  It pains me to think that it was all a figment of my imagination.  Could there ever be such a day...such a day of pureness? I imagine white doves and white roses.  I imagine heartfelt laughter and tears of joy.  I imagine a life full of happiness and understanding--of compassion and sincerity.  I imagine for once I don't have to pretend or fake my way through.  I imagine looking beautiful and radiant.  I imagine staring into your eyes, waiting for you at the alter.  I imagine pure bliss.  I imagine a certain warmth..so deep only the sun and God have touched it before.  The genuineness of my smile, the resounding thrill of my beating heart.  I'll hold on to those beautiful white pictures...of flowing silk and chiffon....so that one day I can envision myself standing by your side...when the time is right.  For now, I imagine everything will be perfect on that wonderful sunny day and from there on forward.  I feel it deep within.  I don't know who you are yet.  But I have faith that one day I will find you.  I have faith that one day, my dreams will come true.

Forgiven Bliss

I forgive you.  My heart still hurts--I wonder that the pain will never go away.  The sadness lulling in my throat...I imagine a part of it will always remain.  But this sorrow will pass.  I won't blame you.  I'm lost without you, yet your deception also set me free.  You tortured my heart and crushed my dreams.  But I forgive you.  I will move on and bury these feelings of regret.  I do not regret having met you--only that I could have been so believing and put my life into your trusting hands.  I was the foolish one.  To each their own.  But I will forgive you. That is my resolution.  Curse my future decisions should I fall into such another trap. This depression, at times, is overwhelming.  Its presence because of you.  But I will not hold it against you.  I will not lash out.  I've made such a fool of myself in my childish attempts to win your heart and to be noticed.  But that is the lesson I have put upon myself, and the only one to blame is me.

I forgive you for your lies--for your beautiful smiles and your loving touch.  I forgive you for the comfort you gave me when you were near and the emptiness you bestowed upon me while so many nights away.  I forgive you for always leaving me wondering and for ignoring my existence.  I forgive you for all of those promises you never kept and the dreams you filled in my head.  I forgive you for being so wonderful in my eyes--even if it was because of my own deceptions. I forgive you for hurting me this much.  I forgive you for leaving me and for making me suffer.  I forgive you for this loneliness that makes me weep every night.  I forgive you for taking away every ounce of happiness and hope in my body.  I forgive you for your selfishness and your ignorance towards love.  I forgive you for being you.  But most of all--I forgive myself for believing you.

stolen

You stole my breath and then my heart

you won me over from the very start. 

I fell so hard, I fell so quick. 

You were quite clever with those little tricks. 

But I got fooled, my lesson learned. 

Now you're off and gone, and I'm left burned. 

Your love I lost. Replaced with pain. 

Remorse fills me up like flooding rain. 

You won me over, then ripped me apart.

I should have seen your lies from the very start. 

There is no one left to blame but my sweet sorrowful self. 

I pray I'll heal, I beg on my knees I'll mend this body broken. 

But until then, you carry my heart and I cry endlessly at the very thought. 

Because I lost you..I'm barely surviving.  But this is the life I've been dealt. 

Goodbye spell

I will let you go knowing you'll never come back, but I will be strong.  

I'll hold my head high and will stay on track.  

My thoughts of you will forever be bittersweet. 

The painful yet beautiful memories of our time together - permanently etched into my mind.  

I will wish you well and wipe away my tears.  

I will let you go -- and I will move on.  

It hurts knowing you'll never look back.  

But I can only embrace this heartache you have caused.  

It will, I pray, make me stronger, more independent and less reliant on men like you.  

It will teach me to love myself when you so clearly can't.  

I am not happy that you are leaving me, that you insist on moving on without me.  

I resent that you are so deceptive, and that I fell under your spell.  

But I am thankful that you coached me...if only to prepare me for the future. 

I will let you go -- because I have no other choice.  

I will watch you close that door and I will weep uncontrollably.  

But by tomorrow, I pray I will smile...with this heavy weight lifted off my chest...

....and I will once again breathe.  

So please, let me let you go.

heart*burn

my heart bleeds...
my eyes swell with tears,
droplets trickling down my face,
puddles of water marking this parchment paper.
eardrums drowning in the blaring music--
to drown out the depressed thoughts that scour my brain.
choking on my own breath as i try to calm my distraught emotions.
to no avail; i really fell for you.
but you left me behind...
disappearing in the dust you made as you drove off
to live your own life.
was i really so wrong for you?

Addiction

A flicker of hope.  A flash of happiness.  There are no promises. I see that now. There is only the pursuit of a life together.  My dreams of an “us” hasn’t yet died.  You gave it new meaning yesterday.  Perhaps I am foolish for buying into your angelic looks and the heavy sighs on the other end of the line.  But without optimism, I feel we will die right then and there. 

I want it to be me. I want so much for you to pick me to run home to. I want you to always be in my life. When I see your smile, your beautiful face and body, a flood of memories rushes through me.  Do you feel it too?  Do you know that we need to be together? I want you to love me more than anything. I want you to feel confident by my side.  To be the father of my children.  To always be my mountain.  I have faith in life. I have hopes for us.  I dream that we will be together, that it will all work out in the long run.  I’m scared that it won’t. Frightened actually.  But I have to trust fate.  I have to believe that it will work itself out.  The patience is trying.  It’s a vice I’ve been having to hone for a while now.  Your unpredictable nature, I get it now.  I’m not sure I like it, but I can’t say I hate it enough to not want to be with you.  I can’t give up yet. I can’t let you go until all other avenues and alternatives have been exhausted.  I truly, truly want you in my life…forever.  My heart fills with joy the minute I see you.  


He drive me crazy, he really does.  He makes me do unthinkable things to myself.  But he is a drug.  And like an addict, all I want is more. 

Punching Pillows

WTF. That's all I have to say to myself. I want to punch your guts out.
I wish deep down that I never had the pleasure of meeting you.
Heartbreak. Confusion. Distress.

You. Are. A. MIGRAINE. Your fire boils my water - in all the wrong ways.
Yet here I am, still steaming, fuming by your side. I'm not sure it will
last much longer. I am afraid of letting go. Terrified; nervous even.
But by mid-year's end, it will all be a thing of the past.

Screaming only hurts my lungs. Metal merely cuts my skin.
Nothing can comfort me and you are not here to scold or chide.
So my unsuspecting target gets punched - until the feathers
fly around the room, tickling the senses and aggravating my lungs.

The painful throbbing that jabs into my temples is all because of you.
Your selfish infuriating habits and disregard to the sensitivities of life
cause me unbelievable pain. Ugggggghhh!

My poor poor pillow- now an empty shell, no longer able to comfort my
resting head. It sits there beside me, unlike you, and stares at me
with black mascara stains...memories of this frustrating relationship
just waiting to be etched into my mind.

Late Night Tears

Tonight, I cry. I cry for myself, because of my lost little self. The little girl in me, tonight, comes out.  She cries for all of her past, for her present, and she cries tears for the future.  Tonight I cry because I'm scared, because I'm uncertain, because I feel vulnerable.  I cry with one tear sliding down my cheek. I cry because I don't know what else to do.  Everything I've ever wanted for myself...is just a fantasy.  A figment of my sick, imaginative mind. I cry because I had the audacity to believe him.  To believe that I was someone special.  To believe that I was the one.  I cry because my own stupidity made me prey.  I cry because I am my own enemy, and now, I cry harder because I cannot blame anyone besides myself.  I cry because I allowed myself to feel.  And now I feel your knife edging into my heart, killing my dreams and spirit. I could tell you I cry because I have nothing else to do - but that wouldn't be the truth.  I cry because my heart can't take it anymore. I don't want to let you go. I don't want this to end. But my tears have ran full and my body is empty.  And there is nothing left of me to give.  I don't want to be alone and I don't want to let you go. But there is nothing you can do to make me stay.