another day of Confusion

Confusion. Disappointment.

It all stabs me in the back, knifing my very existence and stealing all traces of joy from my body.

My heart is slowly becoming hardened clay—ready to crumble at the most tender touch.

The mental pain and anguish ripples through me.

My tolerance of such crushing emotions slowly fades into nonexistence.

I cry, beg, plead for mercy.

But only the echoes of my own screams call back.

My thoughts loom over the deafening silence of my tormented attempts at happiness.

Hopes, dreams, and endearing promises drift off into a black hole.

My soul darkens.

My tears are swallowed up in an ocean of self hate.

My physical strength—is no match for my mental weakness.

I’m down on my knees, praying that some day you will rescue me.

I wait, if ever so impatiently, for your strong arms to wrap around my fragile body and comfort my wandering mind.

My very existence lusts after the thought of serenity, and

I will endure this tormenting pain until I find it.

God willing, I pray it is soon.

my Frustration with You

If you say something, then do it.

If you tell me something, then mean it.

The worst feeling in the world is being let down.

And that’s all you have done for me….

…let me down after building me up.

fear + water

Death is upon me. I am panicking. Life is full of unwelcoming surprises. I feel flooded by all of them. I sink and sink, treading water slowly. But I just want to get out. I want to walk on-shore. I want to walk on water if I can. But I don’t want to drown.

the death of your Infatuations

I lay here and think that it is very difficult to be in a one-sided relationship. There is nothing left to get giddy over. Your infatuation is apparently over and done with. How sad and disappointing. Yet, I am the one who looks like the fool when it is all said and done. Is it a sign that it just wasn’t meant to be, these rejection letters? I don’t know. But I’m inclined to mitigate any potential chance of heartbreak that may be in store for the future. It’s because I care so much, that I’m afraid of getting hurt.

a Mental block

Maintaining a state of brainless activity, and empty thoughts.

I experience a vacant state of being, as nothing stirs in my mind.

A stagnant hollow mass. You’ve successfully drained al of my energy and emotion from my body. You left me with a deserted soul.

I suffer from my own blank stares and expressionless conversations.

Where did my mind escape to? Everything I’ve known or have come to know about myself is absent. I feel purposeless—aimless. I am unresponsive…slow…and stuck in a lifeless fixation of nothingness. I would thank you for this rather bare state of being you seem to have inflicted upon me—but that would only commend you for your dirty deeds, and right now, you deserve no such praise.

I am so empty that I cannot even express any feeling, remorse, or anger toward you right now. Even this, would usually infuriate and frustrate me, but I remain unaffected because my mind is completely and utterly blank—full of nothing.

I cannot feel. I cannot think. My mind is blocked, perhaps by my own fear of being hurt anymore, should reality begin to show its true self to me.

My world is sedentary. I feel as if I just lost the battle—one that I was never even aware of its presence, or even that it had begun.

And now, I am shocked by its outcome. Fazed….about what to do next. But nothing, I blink hoping to sprout thought. I want my mind to think, but it produces nothing.

All of my thoughts have been stolen—ripped out of my mind. Caged by whom? You or me? A selfish act or an act to protect?

I want to think. I resent that someone is keeping me from thinking. I need to think so that I can figure out what my life is about. I need to understand these emotions and feelings—and I cannot do so when you are blocking my mind from its access.

I need self assurance. But I cannot get it because my mind is not home. Absent—moved out. Where did my mind and heart go? Where is my critical thinking? Missing! Until I get my mind back, you force me into this lifeless, lethargic state. A curse you tacked on…making me weary, tired, fatigued.

I resent your control. It is subtle, but it is there. I need to figure you out. But it’s going to take a long time.

each day is a mile in the Marathon

Faith will find you. Don’t despair. Give it time.

Have the hope you desperately avoid.

Pain heals and shouldn’t scare you. Success is fueling your mind.

You will keep the motivation and attain all that you desire.

Because it is a product of self worth and motivation—and you have both.

Don’t worry or fret about these hard days.

Each day is a mile in the marathon.

And every frustrating chore and tale makes you stronger for the finish.

So, persevere with the greatness that is shining in your eyes, heart, and soul.

your Fire

Dazed and confused.

Restless. Emotionless.

My mind empty—like a hollow black hole.

Flashbacks of your face flicker in my mind—a painful past.

Strange thoughts and unwelcome fantasies permeate my brain—teasing my heart

And fueling false hope—the same false hope that you etched into my mind three months ago.

Elation escapes me.

My mind is frightened because reality has yet to enshrine me and I’m deathly afraid of its contents.

Do you always cloud the judgments of your prey?

This feeling of helplessness is knifing my soul.

I beg that you fix the fire you started.

the Storm

The quiet before the storm? Is there an end approaching to something that could have been so great? Am I so much of an idealist that I purposefully broke my own heart? What is it that I am feeling? Is it an unfounded, unrecognizable premonition? I feel it is, but a premonition of what? I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I know I still adore him. And I’m sure I could live a life with him. But there should be more than there is. They call him the Minch. But, then why am I so confused and uncertain about the future? Our future? I strangely think that I will not be seeking to live in Denver after all it is said and done—an utter disappointment. But, I suppose, this is life. Unpredictable.

Unsure of what to think these days. Will things continue? Do I want them to? I fee empty about it all. All emotion and energy has been drained out of me. I was hoping for a wonderful mesmerizing week. Instead, I leave confused, frustrated, empty and lost. I’m annoyed that I do not have the answers. I am very excitable and easily disappointed.

Who am I to talk though? I know nothing. I keep telling myself things to make me feel better. But, they are all sugar coated lies. I pray on my hands and knees that I am able to keep my sanity through all of this drama. I loathe not knowing where my life is going. I hate being in the dark with things. I desperately wish I was in a coma right now….so that I wouldn’t have to think. Please, I beg of you, give me answers.

The Orchid

The world feels so much better with you in it. I don’t know what it is about you, but knowing you’re there and that you want me still, makes the world of a difference. I’m not sure why it’s you—why only you have this effect. When I’m away from you, I’m in pain. Not knowing you still care sends knifes in my back and causes tears to flood my heart.

The sun finally shines. Thoughts of your beautiful eyes permeating mine. Your hands skimming my body. The sunshine’s fluid light pours over us and engulfs me in its blissful atmosphere. The sun finally shines when I see your smile. When I make you laugh, when I cook you crepes and let you sleep on my chest. My sun shines when you bathe me and lather my body with soap. A life without sunshine is a miserable one. I smile whenever I think of you. My heart flutters at the sight of you. I feel very passionate about you. I want you to bond yourself to me like you say you do.

my Sunshine

Sunshine filtering through my body. Every ounce of me absorbing this feel-good moment. Soaking up the rays that shines iridescently on my pale face. The brightness of the sun touches my pupils, a small smile curving across my face as I embrace the very essence and happiness that the sun gives me. Oh how I love my sunshine. The warmth makes all of my stresses temporarily cease. As if there is no care in the world. I close my eyes and let G permeate my very blood.

I feel so close to you right now. Every time I am in the sunshine filled clouds, I feel like we are one. My heart feels close to you. Like we are sharing something special—between just the two of us. It feels so wonderful to feel like you are so close to me.

I feel harmonious right now. As if all of my tears have been absorbed by your very presence. The sun to me is your way of coming out. You are my sunshine. So every time I feel the sun’s warmth, it’s as if I feel your arms wrapped around me. Cloaking me in your protective arms.

My mood is always uplifted whenever my eyes take in that wondrous twinkle of x-rays the sun gives off. My giant, beautiful star. I always feel safe when I have the sun looming over me. Depression evaporates with you shining over me. I hope you never leave.

Beautiful weeds

Crying. Dying inside. Happiness drained out of my body. Scared. Because everything is uncertain. Terrified. Disgusted. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but disgusting fat. Bloated. I just want to be beautiful for you. All I want is to be beautiful and happy. I don’t ever want you to see me like this.

the Drifting sea

Floating. Stagnant presence. My mind is a blur. I’m scared. Have I mentioned that before? I’m deathly afraid of failure. I’m scared of losing my friends, of getting a job, moving miles and miles away, and getting a clerkship.

Who do you think you are kidding? Words are gone. Everyone is fleeing. Empty souls walk the halls of the library. Scary. Silence is disturbing. You can’t help me now. Why not?! Why the hell not? My mind. My mind is so fried and distraught. My life is spinning and all I want to do is get off and puke. Who do you think you’re kidding?

Black vines

I’m cold. My body feels it everywhere. Someday, I hope there will be nothing but warmth. I know I am a dreamer. But there is nothing else that keeps me floating above water than the hope, however remote, of being ok. You were supposed to be my blanket. My soul mate. But I am too forgettable to you.

Pains in my chest, filling with the weight of uncertainty as each minute past the hour ticks by. I want to love you and feel loved back. I want to be taken care of and live the fairytale. I want the dream. My body is suffering because I am lost in a dessert with nothing but wind and sand to keep me company. Please don’t have misled me. Please don’t have fooled me. Please don’t crush me. Please don’t lie to me. I am but a delicate flower underneath all of this exterior shell. I crumble at the sight of you. I shatter at the smell of uncertainty and can sense when things are about to go sour.

Make this pain in my heart go away, please. My chest breathes deep, slow and painfully. My hands pressed up against my face, sulking into them, into their comfort—the only warmth I have right now.

Lonesome in a cold, cold dungeon. Lights flickering in the dark studio. Slabs of concrete walls and floors. There is a full moon illuminating the room—even behind the bars that keep me here. My body is rock solid, frigid from the cold. My mind is delirious and confused. Lights flickering. My only sign of hope and faith. The moon could be beautiful; but tonight, it reminds me only of how lonely and distraught I feel. Bright, there is no beauty behind the moon. Only misery.

When will the pain go away?

sweet Bitter sorrow

Sorrow fills my heart.
Winter’s chill sinks into my bones.
My mind left confused, and in turmoil. Melancholy washes over my hollow body—emotionless and distressed.
Suffering with a smile, the exhaustion underneath my public cloak is taking its toll.
My mind is lost.
My voice is speechless.
I allowed myself to delve into a fantasy--only to be greeted with death.
My stomach tightens at the thought of my own foolish ways and stupidity.
My inner voice curses my every mental move.
The pain of heartbreak. ..
The anguish of loneliness surging over me. I feel helpless.
Curling into a ball of confusion and drifting towards remorse or regret, as I try to wake myself up from this emotional nightmare.
High hopes lead only to fast falls and slow painful deaths.
Dreams begin to crumble and the world, once beautiful, begins to blur and fade into the distance.
My body and mind, robotic—only to function as necessary.
Tears beginning to surface behind my throat.
Anger floods over myself because this depression is but the product of my own doing.
Self-hatred resurfaces because I perpetually and continuously lie to myself.
My impatience and needs, or desires, inevitably have gotten the better of me.
It’s my own dumb fault and I must accept my own consequences.
Am I really that forgettable?
Apparently.
And only to the ones to whom it matters.
Sorrow, crushing all of my heart.
Fear, stealing all of my hope.
Depression, maiming all of my dreams.
Will I ever make it out ok?
Will I be happy some day?
Will it, for once, last?
I’m holding on, if only by a thread.
My feet will dangle until I can pull myself up… 

sun Kissed petals

I never thought I could feel this way. 

My eyes were closed until you magically appeared in front of me.

Immediate attraction. 

My breath stolen away from me.

The beauty behind your eyes—captivating. 

Your persona—mesmerizing.

I never believed this could happen.

I never imagined I’d ever be so lucky to have found someone as wonderful as you.

I’ve loved and lost.

But I’ve never loved like this.

I just hope that this isn’t a dream.

But if it is, I hope I never wake up.

the Oriental daisy

The crosswalks in Madrid make chirping sounds like birds. 

The sirens in Paris remind me of the Bourne Identity movies.

So many people look my way. 

But all I want is you. 

I want someone magical in my life. 

No one compares to you. 

It’s a bit frustrating. 

Why is it that only you hold my heart? 

Why do men feel so strong about me but never vice versa? 

Why do I always find men who are smitten—who are so surprised to have met me, but that I’m never surprised to have met them? 

Why do all the really good ones escape me? 

I can’t wait to go back home. 

It never felt so good to go back—just to see someone so beautiful and wonderful as him.

I pray you love me too. 

I pray you are the moon and the sun to my earth.

I wish I could marry you...

Barcelona

Flying to Barcelona right now. I miss you more than anything right now. Will you please hold me? I’d do anything to have you near right now. It’s so miserable being so far apart from you. More and more, I begin to realize how much I need you in my life. I’m willing to do whatever I can to stay close to you. My heart aches right now at the thought of you. My body longs for your touch and only your touch. My eyes need to see your face. My hands want to stroke your body. My lips need to kiss your lips. I need the smell of your presence. I need the sincerity of your eyes gazing into mine. Are you thinking of me these days that I am away? Are you wondering where I am and how I am doing? Something inside of me stirs constantly for you. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. But it is there. And I cannot escape it. It’s been 5 years now. And everyday, I feel more and more drawn to you. Sometimes I hate feeling the way I do for you. Maybe because it scares me—it scares me that I could care for someone so much. That I could love you this much. I feel so much pain right now. My strength is a shallow pool—all I want is you. I wish you were here to play with me. To tease me and get rough with me and be silly and gross with me. I wish we could listen to music together and watch movies and read together. So much of me is you. I hope one day you will realize this. I miss your laughter and your beautiful smile. I hope I see you soon.

romeo's Petals

My heart skips a beat at the thought of you. 
My eyes fill with tears when I imagine your smile. 
My mind wanders aimlessly hoping that you’re thinking of me too.
I miss your beautiful presence. 
Your caressing voice, your deadly touch, the roughness of your hands, the silk of your body. 
I miss you sleeping by my side. 
I miss our lectures, our story time. 
I miss our evening walks and taking care of you. 
I wish you were here to hold my hand. 
To stroke my cheek and caress my hair. 
I envy the person who steals you away. 
My heart is filled with pain at the thought of you missing from my life. 
Please don’t go. 
Please never leave. 
 Words will never be able to explain the depth of love and feeling I have for you. 
Only my heart can feel this pain—I am miserable without you by my side.

you are my Venice

I love the way you smile at me. The way you care. I love the way you stroke my body and caress my skin. Every move you make puts a smile on my face. I love showering with you. Living with you. Watching movies, going on walks and hikes. I love wrestling with you and making love with you. I love how you laugh. How you make your shakes and eat twizzlers. I love how you are always learning and that you don’t know many words. I love when you blow your nose and use shampoo for body soap. I love your need for speed. But also how careful you are. I love the way you cut fruit—you make it so simple. I love how innocent your true self can be and your aggressive tough during sex. I love all of your imperfections. Stroking your body. Running my hands through your silk hair. I love when you work and build things because you are so confident. I love watching you at concerts and listening to music with you. Your presence is contagious and addictive. I love when you smash my face into the crevice of your chest. How you freely talk about poo with me and are gassy with me. I love how playful we can be—so silly but also serious. I love how quiet you are and so reserved. I love your love for your mother. I care for you so much. I want you to be happy above all—with or without me. I love the strength you give me. 

I wish we were going on this journey together. A journey it will be. I wish we could explore ourselves together. Please don’t forget about me. I love the way you call me “girl” and joke about my PF. They way you look at me. The way you smell—sometimes of man, sometimes of flower. The clean and dirty combination. Your love for new music and tool. Your fascination with life, the body and mind. I love when our lives work in harmony. I love how sincere you are. How cool you can be. How beautiful you are. I love when you misunderstand. I hate when you get bored. I love how honest you are. When you are ready…will you love me? Will you always be a part of my life? Will there always be something there? Someday life will come for the both of us. I wonder what it holds in store. I hope you find something you love to do. I hope you find yourself. I want you to have a journey as well. It’s more than a trip. It’s finding out who you are. How strong can you be. It’s about building your mind and body. I want nothing but happiness for the people I love. I hope the rest of my life is a positive experience. I hope you are always a part of it.

Cattails

Confusion replaces certainty—clouding my judgment and preventing any coherent thoughts.

My heart drums a hallow tone every night.

The distance between us, emptying the blood from my veins.

Frustration pouring over my skin.

I am so lost when you are not by my side.

You perpetuate the uncertainties in my life with your mysteriousness.

Shielding me from the truth.

I struggle to know who you are.

My biggest challenge is unveiling the beautiful mask you wear everyday.

Confusion.

My mind is utterly lost and I’m exhausted.

Let go of your self-control. Release your dominating ways.

Free your mind and let inhibitions flow into your body.

Let me in and I will take care of you.

I promise to be gentle. Even patient.

But please—don’t hide from me anymore.

april Fools

Deception. Running through my inner self.

Feeding off my own hurtful ways. Lies. Surrounding my every being. Suffocating my mind.

Crushing my heart. My soul slowly breaking down.

Guilt takes over. Filling my eyes with impurity.

My world becomes chaos with everyday spinning more and more out of control.

Losing grip of my cherished reality. Drowning in my own thoughts.

Yet always conscious that you will never be mine.

Your perfection drives me to insanity.

white Honey

Love me want me

Need me hug me

Kiss me stroke my hair

Tell me I’m beautiful

Hold me close

Never let go

Smile when you see me

Play with me

Laugh with me

Make me feel like the only

One.

Cherish me. Give yourself to me

Whisper in my ear

Adore me

Need me want me

Love me then kiss me.

I need you.

clouded mind

Something new and profound stirs in me.

Hollow or full, my body is unsure.

Mystery is plaguing my life.

Surging through my think blue veins.

My mind is clouded.

Swirling in circles.

Unsure and frightened—my curiosity for the future grips my life with tight deadly hands.

yellow Ecstasy

Serenity----- I know it exists. I just hope, one day, I find it.

Everyday, I will look.

Every moment, I will pray.

Every day of my life, I will be searching.

Be salient. Be brave. Be bold and truthful.

Be wondrous.

You will be lovely—so smile a pretty smile.

a thin line

Something inside me stirs and I’m not sure why. My mind is foggy and I find myself constantly thinking about nothing. My empty obsession is draining and I don’t know why I insist on such acts. My life is uncertain. And I find myself immensely frustrated by that fact. I know its all supposed to be a mystery. But my body, my mind—they want more and are tired of waiting for nothing. My mind is often filled with self-doubt. Pure confusion. Insecurities. I wish there was a rock to hold me up. I am trying to tread the water and keep from drowning—but I’m afraid of my strengths and wary of my weaknesses. I compare myself always and judge harshly when I notice my own inferiority. Why is it that some people are less and others are more? Who had the privilege of making such distinctions and why?

My mind is plagued by thoughts that make no sense—that have no structure. I hope that I am able to grow. I want so much to be better. It’s the only thing I aspire to.

Obsessions are dangerous. And I am walking on a thin line. Why is my mind “all or nothing”? It’s frustrating and infuriating. I want to change but then again, what would be left to make me stand out and separate myself from the rest of the crowd?

pale Dreaming blossoms

I imagine you love me.

I make myself believe that you say those words to me every night before you sleep.

I imagine that every time you go somewhere where we both were, you dream of me.

That I am always in your thoughts—like you are in mine.

I imagine that you wish I was there with you now.

That you crave my touch and finally realize how much I mean to you.

I imagine that you dream of me constantly.

That you wish you could tell me how much you love me but that you’re not sure if you can do it right now.

I imagine that you are scared to show how much you care.

I imagine that you want to marry me—but you are scared to think that you’re ready for it.

I imagine that you want me to be there always with you.

That you can’t take your mind off of me.

I imagine all of these beautiful things.

I imagine that you imagine these things.

I imagine that I help hold your world together.

That you feel whole when you are next to me.

I imagine that you feel the most beautiful in my presence because I feel the most beautiful in yours.

I imagine when you are lonely, all you do is think of me.

I imagine that you can’t live without me.

I imagine that you love me.

When you say, I love you, written down for the world to see—I imagine you are silently speaking to me.

Tell me its true.

Tell me I’m not imagining a thing.

Tell me those words are meant for me.

Tell me how you love me.

Tell me how you need me.

Tell me how you want me.

Tell me you need my life in yours always and forever.

Erase the pain, the nostalgia.

Make everything whole.

Smile when you see me.

Laugh when I tease you.

Kiss me every minute of the day.

Love me now and forever.

I imagine you in my life…

…and wish you would imagine me in yours.